


How to Win Friends (And Weaponize Produce)

by WerewolvesAreReal



Category: Leverage
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 16:43:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewolvesAreReal/pseuds/WerewolvesAreReal
Summary: Parker stops a thief from targeting Peggy, and she doesn't even break any laws! Probably. No serious laws, anyway.





	How to Win Friends (And Weaponize Produce)

Parker stares. The cat stares back.

“You know, you don't have to do this every time you visit,” Peggy says.

“I can't let him establish dominance,” Parker explains without looking up. The cat blinks, slow and languid, and then looks away. Parker straightens with a smug smile. “Done! Where are we going again?”

She's been much closer to Peggy since being revealed as a 'spy'. Parker fretted about it for awhile, because she's never been this close to anyone normal, but she figures Alice would appreciate a good friend so it's probably okay.

“The Farmer's Market,” Peggy reminds her. “I wanted to look at some new stalls.”

“Oh, yeah, I wanted to get something for Eliot. He likes food stuff.”

Peggy is evidently well-known at the market, which is both nice and useful. It means people completely believe her when Peggy says, “And this is my friend Alice!”, which is great. Especially the word 'friend'. Alice would probably enjoy hearing that word, Parker thinks.

She mutters, “My friend, Peggy,” and smiles to herself.

Peggy doesn't like silence. One arm hefting a bag of turnips and tomatoes, she links the other with Parker's and steers them toward the back of the market. “I really want to pick up some gourmet chocolates, mhmm. Don't tell anyone, but it's a guilty pleasure.”

“I won't tell,” says Parker seriously.

“I have to pick up an order from someone, and he doesn't like strangers coming in the storeroom – trade secrets, you know how it is! Why don't you look for something for your friend?”

“Okay.”

So Parker wanders alone for a minute. She does find a small pie shaped like Darth Vader's head, which Hardison would probably like. Alice is a Normal Person so she waits in line and carefully hands over money to a bored teen standing behind a cash register. Then she says, “Oh, did you drop something?” and plucks an equivalent amount from the machine when he isn't looking. Parker leaves feeling pleased with herself; she'll have to tell Hardison that she actually _paid_ for his gift today!

She still wants to find something for Eliot, though, and he's a bit harder. Parker isn't sure _exactly_ how Eliot selects his foods, but she knows he's pretty picky. It probably has something to do with a food's applicability as a weapon, she figures.

So she calls him. “Yeah,” he answers, distracted.

“How many ways are there to kill someone with a pineapple?”

“Six,” he says absently. “Eight if you've got the time.”

Eliot doesn't kill people anymore, though. Is handing someone a lethal fruit as insulting as a gun? “How many ways can you _disable_ someone with a pineapple?”

“Seven, but one of those is a bit... Parker.” Eliot sounds more alert. “Why do you want to injure someone with a - “

“Thanks!” she says, and hangs up. Parker grabs a mid-sized pineapple with satisfaction. Just the right size to be throwable for maximum damage.

Peggy returns at the perfect time. “All done! Are you ready, Alice? We should get lunch while we're here. Oh, look, they have a little barbecue...”

Peggy gets some delicious-looking ribs, meaty and slipping away from the bone when she grabs them. It looks good, but Alice probably likes salad. Parker grabs a bowl and drops in a few random selections from the open salad bar.

She notices the man while Peggy is debating different kinds of breadsticks. He's trying too hard to be subtle – hands tightly fisted in his pockets, staring around innocently into the middle distance, sidling slowly to his right without once looking in that direction...

Amateur.

Normally Parker wouldn't care about a random thief – might even give the guy some pointers, or more likely pick _his_ pockets to teach a harsher lesson. Except the mark he's aiming at is Peggy, and Alice is Nice and Normal but also very protective of her friends.

She picks up the pineapple and throws.

The man actually _screams,_  which seems a bit silly for a fracture. Eliot never screams when his ribs crack, and that seems much worse.People turn around to see the man clutching his twisted hand and gasping for breath. While the room flounders in uncertainty Parker retrieves her pineapple, then cradles it to her chest as she steps in front of the would-be-thief.

“You need to be faster,” she says seriously. “And try to act more normal.” She reaches out and pats his broken hand, hard. The man flinches. “You should practice with the other one. Your mark should never be able to tell how you're going to move. Sloppy.”

Parker manages a faint, twitching smile, because she's trying to be supportive. The man flinches and quickly ducks away.

She gets to tell the guys that she bought something _and_ helped another thief. They're going to be so proud.

“Is he a guy you're spying on?” Peggy stage-whispers when she joins Parker.

Parker narrows her eyes and takes out her newly-acquired wallet. Patrick Marson. Hardison would watch the guy if she asks.

“...Maybe,” she decides.

They go to the chocolate shop next. Parker has been pretty amazing today, so she doesn't feel any guilt about loading her pockets with macaroons and sticky fudge.

Most of it won't be edible, but that's not really the point, is it?

* * *

 

“I got you a pineapple,” Parker tells Eliot that night. He gets weirdly grouchy when she throws things at him, so instead she walks over and sets it gently in his lap. Eliot moves aside the book he was reading. He stares at the fruit blankly.

“...Uh.”

“Don't worry,” Parker adds. “It works really well.”

And she smiles, pleased. “ - I even tested it for you.”

 


End file.
